January 20, 2008

“January 20, 2008 Sunday

Father just told me that I am going to work for Uncle Randall starting tomorrow. I’m really quite nervous. I’m not quite sure why because I know everyone there, maybe it’s because of how I look. Oh, I don’t know!  I don’t want to go there and not be needed. I want to be helpful. I just pray I’ll get over my shyness and be a big help. It’t pretty awesome though, I HAVE A JOB!”

My Uncle Randall owned an eBay business. He would travel around and buy things from pawn shops and auctions then bring them back home. He had a whole team of tech and mechanical guys who would take the items that he bought for cheap and repair/refurbish them and sell them for a profit on eBay. It had expanded a lot and by the time I started working he had an entire warehouse of inventory. All of his older daughters and sons worked for him for $20 a week. He could have made a huge profit, but he donated most of it to the FLDS leaders. 


“January 21, 2008 Monday 

I just got home from work 🙂 It wasn’t near as embarrassing as I thought it would be. I go from 8-12 then lunch break which I’m on right now. When I got there Britty showed me around and told me what I would be doing. I am working with Karyn doing inventory 2 times a month. Karyn was great fun to be with, we got a whole lot done. I sure hope Uncle Randall appreciates me because I think I am going to like my job very much!  Later, I just got home from the full days work. My feet are about to die! I worked for 8 hours today. I feel like I earned at least 50 dollars! No, just kidding. Did I ever tell you about the picture Mother made for me? She used a picture she took in Mexico and used a wonderful poem called “footprints” I love it! 

Jessica Footprints not bothered

January 22, 2008 Tuesday

I went to town with Grandma Debra and Uncle Randalls girls to clean houses for some millionaire ladies. My feet hurt like heck and I am about to fall to sleep on ya. But other than that I had a good day! One of the ladies gave me and Tillie each a real garnet necklace and the other lady had a VERY VERY cute dog. I bought 44 dollars worth of stuff. I am too tired to write more. Goodnight. 


January 25, 2008 Friday 

I went to Uncle Drews for some embroidery. I saw Emmy, Lindzee, Nettie, Zack, and James. I haven’t seen them for almost 2 years! It took awhile to warm up but we did and it brought back a lot of good memories.


February 2, 2008 Saturday

Today is Mother Jenny’s birthday. She is 26. I got paid today! $125. Thats ONLY for one week! They haven’t paid me for the first week yet. 


February 3, 2008 Sunday 

It snowed at least 6 inches last night!! It’s the most I have ever seen up here before! I went sledding down the mountain on a bassinet mattress, it was great fun! 


February 4, 2008 Monday

I am on snack on Mondays so I made some delicious brownies. Karyn was sooo grumpy today. In the afternoon we sat in the aisle from 4:00-5:30 and she told me her problems. I really like her and am glad she is my friend! 


February 6, 2008 Wednesday

I got to work and suddenly got a horrible belly ache. I went to the bathroom and realized I had started my period! I am dreading it so bad! We have been really busy at work and I am going to feel awful! Manda turns 22 today. On Monday Phil gave me my first weeks pay so then I had $250 so I went to the store and bought Mother, Missy, and Me a pair of shoes. It came to $71.22. It was weird spending money that was rightfully mine. Its going to be weird! 


February 7, 2008 Thursday 

This morning was awful. In truth, I felt like shit. I was having horrible cramps and got really dizzy. We are doing pallet packing at work and we have to relocate every single thing. We did one last week, and we have to do another one this week. I sure wish I wasn’t on my time right now, but I should be rejoicing that at least I can have it! Tillie is down in bed again with a burst cyst. She is going through so much! I hope Heavenly Father will heal her just as he did her arm and she will be able to have children. Lately I have been thinking about married life and the kind of woman I’ll be. I want to be efficient, clean, organized, busy, loving, and strict, yet kind. I want to have healthy, obedient, kind, orderly and sweet children. Everyone thinks I am awful because I only want 5 children. I don’t necessarily want ONLY 5 children but, I want to raise them right and be able to spend time with them. I think of the ladies that get married, everybody, and even themselves expect them to get pregnant every year or so, and they do. But look what happens. They get so busy and worn down that the children are disobedient, house dirty, no hair combed, no morning prayers etc. And eventually those children leave. I think the Lord would rather Quality children rather than Quantity. So, I say I will have a kid every 3 years and train my children right so the Lord can have my 5 quality children rather than 16 quantity apostates. Don’t you agree?”

I don’t remember if I mentioned how I learned about my body. But it wasn’t because I learned it in school or my Mom talked to me about it. It was because I had an insatiable thirst for knowledge and one day while getting something for my Mom in her closet I saw all of these pregnancy and fertility books. I immediately started sneaking into her closet and read each of those wonderful books over and over. I saw diagrams of male and female reproduction organs and how it all worked, including a woman’s menstrual period. It was revolutionary for me. Everything made so much sense. This was before I ever started, so I was probably around 11-12. I clearly remember when I started and I knew exactly what it was and there was no fear involved. I never had questions or concerns. The only reason I ever talked to my Mom about it was because I couldn’t find where she put the pads. So I had to talk to her, I’m very glad I didn’t learn it that way because this is how the exchange went 

Me: Uh, I started bleeding

Mom: *Blushing and averting eyes* Oh. Okay. Um. Just one second. 

Mom: *Handing me a box of pads* Just put these on your panties. 

Me: Okay… thanks… *walks away* 

I was a lucky one. I actually knew what was happening and there was no confusion involved. It wasn’t my Moms fault, it was just incredibly taboo to talk about anything involving sex or a woman’s body and its functions. I kept an eye out for my sister Missy and filled her in when she started. Our younger sister wasn’t so lucky. It didn’t occur to me to tell all of my sisters so the poor kid started and she thought that God was punishing her for a YEAR! She used tissue and prayed and prayed until it stopped, thinking that God had forgiven her.. only to happen every month for a year. Finally our Mom noticed stains on her underwear and told her it was normal and showed her how to use pads. 

So, in my reading of women and their secrets I learned that you do not indeed have to have a baby every year, if you track your cycle you can avoid pregnancy. I immediately decided that I would have a gap between my kids for the reasons stated in the above entry. I knew 95% more than the other girls my age in the FLDS. I am very grateful for that.  The teenage boys were taught about sex in Priesthood Meetings and it was their duty to explain to their new wives when the time came. I can only imagine how that went in some situations. 😦


“February 17, 2008 Sunday 

I have kinda slowed down in my writing. Nothing too exciting has happened. I went to town with Grandma Debra and spent $114!! I bought Mother a $70 quilt, a purse, some shoes, and a few other things. I feel like I didn’t buy anything worthwhile. I need to be more wise! Its so weird spending so much money!  On Friday I was driving to Craigos and I waved at some stoners in a jeep. I passed them again a little while later and I waved at them again. THEN, they chased us all the way home! Yesterday they were cruising us! It makes me nervous cause we didn’t mean to start anything. Our whole family is sick with the flu. Other than that, that’s the news!”

For reference when I said “stoners” I didn’t mean people who smoke weed, I didn’t even know what weed was at this point. In the Crick we called young boys stoners when they were outwardly rebellious; windows rolled down, hats on backwards, sleeves rolled up, gentile music playing. Gentile music is any music that the FLDS members didn’t write and sing. Cruising was what the young people did to show interest in each other, if a boy “cruises”(drives past repeatedly) your house it means he likes you (or one of your 10 sisters) This was not condoned by the Prophet, it was still against the rules to even talk to someone of the opposite sex that wasn’t married. That’s why I was nervous. I didn’t want to get in trouble or worst, I didn’t want those boys to talk to me.

I have a funny story about someone who was cruising my sister Madie before she left: 

The key to good cruising is to be inconspicuous and make sure that only the object of your affection knows you are cruising. If you have a big truck, you drive very slow than rev your engine as soon as you pass the house to alert everyone inside that you are cruising. That is the only obvious cruising allowed because who can resist a big, sexy truck that lets out black exhaust? The Moms would hear and rush to see where their teenage daughters were and not let them go outside. 

My sister Madie had an admirer. He drove one of those tiny little trucks. It had at least 3 different paint colors on it and lots of rust. We all knew who he was for some reason. I think Madie had gotten caught hanging out with him or something and it didn’t help that his truck was very, very noticeable. He was cruising our house for like 15 minutes and the kids ran into the Moms and told them “Boyd is cruising Madie!” We all watched him from the window for 10 more minutes, driving by over and over again, the whole time my Moms blood was boiling. She marched to the Fridge and took out a couple dozen eggs and she said “everyone, come with me! We are going to throw eggs at him when he comes by again” We all ran outside very excited, the sight that greeted Boyd as he came around the curve must have been hilarious; 2 red faced Moms and a dozen little kids standing at the road. He must have been feeling defiant cause he slowed down to drive past us. That’s when we literally pelted dozens of eggs at his truck. He didn’t cruise again for weeks. To this day that is one of my favorite memories. The Moms and all the kids united against one guy. It was great. 


“March 1, 2008 Saturday 

I went for a cruise with Miranda, Danielle, Natalie, and Missy today. All of those girls are Mother Jenny’s sisters. Miranda gave me some movies! The Dukes of Hazzard and Material Girls, and 3 discs of Scrubs! We cruised out to Centennial and had a really good time.”

Centennial is a neighboring polygamist group. It was like a 5 minute drive away from Colorado City. The group is a break-off of the FLDS and started their own thing. They are much more lenient than Warren Jeffs, they lead normal lives other than having multiple wives. As expected, the FLDS hated the very mention of those people.

We were taught that they, along with the mainstream LDS were the worst people on earth in God’s eyes because they knew the truth and they rejected it.  

As you can tell by how easily I mentioned borrowing and watching movies I am losing some of the guilt associated with the evil deed. In Mesquite I would cry in my closet from the guilt I felt about watching “Little house on the Prairie” so you see, I am making progress. 












10 thoughts on “January 20, 2008”

  1. I started reading your blog a couple weeks ago and have finally caught up to the point you’re at here. I don’t remember how I stumbled here, but I’ve spent a fair amount of time studying the FLDS and other types of mind control/brainwashing that is possible in a closed group. It’s really interesting to watch the progression of your thoughts and the dichotomies you presented yourself with, each time falling back to what you’d been taught but a little wiser with every turn.

    I salute you for having the guts to leave the FLDS. I thank you immensely for being willing to bare your soul to the world, that we all may learn a little more than we knew yesterday.

  2. Hey there, so I was reading and your story is of course fascinating. I kind of wonder where you are now tho. Maybe you should do a current blog too?
    much love.

    1. Thanks for reading! I left the FLDS in 2010 and have had many, many, adventures since then. I got very discouraged and stopped writing around then. As soon as I have written them all out here I will do a recall of my journey since leaving here on this blog.

  3. This is just fascinating! I found this yesterday and read all the way through. What an incredible life you have lived. I cannot wait to read the rest that you post!

  4. I just read your entire blog, you are amazing! You should be so proud of how far you have come. Can’t wait to read more.

  5. All the way from Australia – I am taken aback by your story. You are one very strong, courageous & intelligent woman. Continuing my read – Because I am hooked! Sending many positive vibes your way.
    P.s. I Would also absolutely love to know more about how you managed life and got used to the outside world once leaving FLDS. Your blog is amazing. Much love, Teneale B, 27, Australia 🙂

    1. Thank you so much Teneale, this means a lot to me! I have been so busy with work and prepping for college I don’t have much extra time. I have 2 journals left to transcribe. I will try to find the time to keep posting for my readers. I plan on writing the story of what happened after I left up until now, unfortunately I stopped writing in my journal soon after I left, I don’t know why. I truly regret that but there is nothing I can do about it now! I will have to write it from what I can remember. Thanks for reading! See you soon xoxo.


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