July 4, 2007

“July 4, 2007

We went to Uncle Randalls house for dinner. It took us 3 hours to get there but it was still worth it. I had a ton of fun! Uncle Randalls guys were quiet and sad because Gail took Rulons children away about 2 weeks ago. Uncle Randalls guys have been taking care of them for over a year so everyone was pretty sad. The ride home was hell. Tommy screamed the whole way there. It was a horrible ride.”

Rulon is my Dad’s youngest brother. He had 3 children with his wife, she left and then eventually came back for the kids. The bishop told Rulon not to fight so he surrendered. He probably hasn’t seen them since. 

I do remember that ride home, but for a different reason than the fact it was horrible. It was because it was the 4th of July and as we were driving over the hill into Vegas there were fireworks going off over the entire surface of the city. It was breathtaking. I wonder why I didn’t write about it! 

“July 7, 2007 Saturday

Today is 07-07-07 ! Just had to write that date down. Today is a beautiful day. Although it is 120 degrees outside. 

July 17, 2007 Tuesday 

Father and Mother Jenny went to California, yes. Even though it is Mothers turn. Mother begged Father to take Mother Jenny and I’m glad. Its like heaven when Mother Jenny is gone. Its like I jump out of the sewer into Hawaii and took a breath of fresh air. I feel so bad for Mother though. I hate how she is bound here for the sake of her kids. She is scared because of how Mother Jenny treats them so she never goes. I love my Mother. I wish that father would quit being so scared of Mother Jenny, be brave and push her off of him and say “I’m taking Kate this time. You’re staying here, and yes, we will go shopping and yes, we are going to have a good dinner, you will survive” Bur he doesn’t. I am sick of it. Just because Mother Jenny is a problem causer, whiner and an idiot and Mother is kind and forgiving doesnt mean that Mother Jenny gets what she wants. Just to make peace. Its like Mother Jenny is getting rewarded for being bad. If Mother stopped forgiving, started having problems, cried all the time, was unfair to the kids, was grumpy and mean to Father, made mountains out of molehills, thought that her kids could do no wrong, and thought that SHE was the only one doing whats right, then Father would take her. But Mother is too sweet. I am SO sick of it! 

July 22, 2007 Sunday

I have wonderful news! Father and Mother Jenny are staying in California for a whole other week! Its SO nice! I love it when they’re gone!

July 23, 2007 Monday

Margs guys are coming down today and are staying until Wednesday. I know its going to be real hectic. Our kids and Margs kids together make an F5 tornado!

July 25, 2007 Wednesday

I talked to Tillie today for an hour and a half. She told me that last Wednesday her arm started hurting and by night time she couldn’t feel it and it was black and blue. She has been to the clinic and hospital every day since then and nobody can find out what is going on! Doctor Lehi told her she might lose her arm. I feel so nervous for her! She is being brave and is laughing it off, but I know that she is scared. I love her so much and hope that she gets it healed!!

July 27, 2007 Friday 

I’ve made up my mind. I’m leaving. I can’t stand living here anymore cramped into this house! The way Mother hates me and can’t even stand me hurts. I wrote her a letter and asked her if she cared if I left and she didn’t answer me. So I take it as “no one would care” I asked her to talk to me and give me a hug, told her that I needed her. She didn’t and now I know that she doesn’t need me or want me here. So I am going”. 

Teenagers. At this point I think this was more a cry for attention than actual leaving. Although the fact that I even thought about it put me legions ahead of other FLDS youth. 

“July 28, 2007 Saturday 

Dearest Journal, How can Heavenly Father bless me so much by giving me Tillie?? Yesterday I was going to tell Mother that I was leaving. I then decided to tell her and Father together today after Father got home. Well, this morning, I woke up to a call from Tillie. She began telling me a story about her and Jason, she said one day she felt horrible, she said it wasn’t a headache or a body ache, she said her heart just hurt, like an ache deep within her and she wanted to throw up. Finally she got down on her knees and prayed for over an hour and went to bed (this was on a wednesday) That sunday Jason got home from work and was talking to Tillie, he told her, “Tillie, I almost died on Wednesday night” Then he told her what happened. He was working underneath a big forklift trying to fix it when suddenly it started moving, he couldn’t move and it was heading straight toward his head, he tried and tried to get out but he was pinned under it, when it was 4 inches from his head he closed his eyes and prayed  with more faith and prayer than in his entire life then everything went black. When he woke up he was 10 feet away from the forklift, he looked around but no one had even seen it happen! He went into his room and prayed a grateful prayer and went to bed. Tillie asked him what time it happened and he said 8:30 — The exact time when Tillie started praying! 

Anyway, Tillie said that yesterday she had the exact same feeling and that she couldn’t get me off her mind. So she has been praying for me. She told me that she loved me, and to be encouraged, and don’t do anything dumb. A wonderful feeling came over me and right then I decided not to leave, that I was going to try harder than ever to be good. I love Tillie so much! I don’t deserve her. I can only pray that Heavenly Father can bless her 10x more! 

July 29, 2007 Sunday 

Father talked to me about the letter I gave Mother. He was so sad that I had thought about leaving. He told me that Mother has a hard time showing love to her older children, but that she really loves us. He started crying and said “I have always loved my little blonde haired girl” It made me feel so bad to hurt him. He is taking me and Mother with him to California for a week. I don’t really want to go, but I have too. 

I have to say that even with all these entries that are focused on the way my Dad treated my Mom, I love my Dad very much. I was dealing with some hard emotions and being 1 out of 19 makes it hard for you to be singled out and cared for. We all make mistakes. I grew up. My Dad has changed. For the first time we are at a really good place. The past is definitely in the past. These entries are facts. They are how I felt at the time and I can’t change that. I just choose to share it. So Dad, if you end up reading this. Just remember that. It happened. We cant change that, what we need to focus on is what we have now. And I love you with all my heart. 

October 7, 2007 Sunday 

Dear journal, I have not written you for 2 months! So much has happened! We went to mexico and if was really fun! It was a horrible place really, it was so filthy and there were so many people! And at the border there were like 100 beggars and vendors in the middle of the road, we had to wait for more than 2 hours to get out of Mexico because the lines move at turtle pace. I got to go to the beach it was amazing and a beautiful sight! I had a very fun time! Well, we got home from our Cali trip and Father had to go again on August 14th and he took Missy, Mother and Lib. They went to sea world and had a great time. Father said I can have an allowance. $2 a day if I can get up at 7am every day. Madie had a baby boy on August 14th 2007. They named him Oakley Jack Knudson. Cute huh! On September 4th it was 1 year since we moved from Uncle Sams to Mesquite! We were planning a program for Fathers birthday on September 24th and we were almost ready but we moved! Yep. But I’ll tell you more about that after this. Back in May (May 11th to be exact) Father told me that Ben and Marg were called to testify in Uncle Warrens trial. Well on September 11, Ben asked if I could tend his kids for a little while because he and Marg were getting ready for the trial. So I was up there for 10 days, September 11-21 they went 2 times and Marg had to study for 4 hours a day. I had fun but it got pretty stressful. Uncle Warrens verdict came in on the 25th of September. They said he was guilty. At first I had a feeling of dread and deep sadness but then I realized it happened according to Heavenly Fathers will and I felt better but I sure wish our Prophet could be relieved of his suffering….. Well, I got home on the 21st and we moved on the 26th We knew we had to move by the end of August. We went to see our new house, It is about an acre, with an 8ft fence around it and a code-activated gate, it has a huge yard with grass and a playset, it has 8 rooms, a big laundry room, a HUGE kitchen/dining/living area, 4 bathrooms, 5 closets, a huge sewing room, and my own scrapping room! Thats all about the house. I am going to teach David and Merilyn school, we have a little room for a school room. I am starting on the 15th. Tillie is still so sick. I would tell you more but it would take 30 pages. I just hope she gets better soon, she doesn’t deserve this. 

Jessica Footprints not bothered DSCF7396 DSCF7393 DSCF7385

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10 thoughts on “July 4, 2007”

  1. It’s going to take me awhile to catch up, but I plan on reading every entry! This is really fascinating and I appreciate being able to read your perspective now that you are older.

  2. Jessica, I have read every post in the last few days. I can’t even remember how I came across your blog. You have such a talent for writing. Thank you for sharing your story. Looking forward to the next post…

  3. Jessica! I came across a link to your blog this morning and have read the entire thing throughout the day. You’re such a good writer, and wow… It brings back so many memories of being a young girl there. Looking forward to more!

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