November 21, 2006

“November 21, 2006 Tuesday

Uncle Warren is going in for trial today at 10:00am. We are fasting, I hope and pray things go okay. I will tell you when I find out.

November 22, 2006 Wednesday

We haven’t heard how things went at court, Father says we won’t find out for awhile. 

November 23, 2006 Thursday 

We were going to start school today but me and Mother got in a fight. I just went into my room and stayed there. When Father got home he told me I was acting like Mother Jenny! HELL NO! I’m never going to act like HER! I am changing RIGHT NOW!!!!”


“November 25, 2006 Saturday

Mother Jenny hasn’t been sleeping with Father since the 17th it was her turn the night she stopped, so Mother can’t sleep with him until Mother Jenny does. But last night Father invited Mother to sleep with him and she did. Father said he asked Mother Jenny to sleep with him the night before and she said no, so he’s like “k, fine, I am not going to beg you to sleep with me”  So he asked Mother and she slept with him. Now its Saturday and Mother Jenny is having major problems, she has been crying and screaming at Father since 8:00am (its 9:10) I listened by the bathroom door for a second and she said “you have been doing it for a week now!” and Father said “Jenny, if you think I have favorites there is something wrong with your head!” She is so retarded.”

Well I find it incredibly awkward that I was so casually talking about this when it is so obvious what happened now that I am older and actually know about the birds and the bees. Eghhhh.  I am guessing I must have asked my Mom what happened and that’s how I knew all the details.

So if you were wondering how it works, this is the dynamic of a polygamist relationship. 

“November 27, 2006 Monday 

Well, the weekend is over and we did school today. Math used to be my worst subject and now it is my favorite, probably because I’m supposed to be in 9th grade and I am doing 3rd grade level, but in grandma’s school I never learned times tables or adds and minuses I am so dumb. But I am so excited that I am learning! 

November 30, 2006 Thursday 

Father has been buying a lot of movies lately. First, when he did Costco shopping he bought Pride and Prejudice and 2 war movies, then a little while ago he bought a show called over the hedge then the next day Mother bought a show called the adventures of Milo and Otis, Then yesterday father went and bought Ice age 1 and 2 and a movie called twister, we saw the receipt and it said he bought another movie too. I have 5 DVD’s myself, Love comes softly 1 and 2 then the star wars series. We watched twister the other night, it was a dang scary movie about people who are storm chasers. I feel SO guilty! I know its the wrong thing to do. I don’t know why Father keeps buying them! I hope he doesn’t buy anymore and I am going to break all the ones we have!!”

I didn’t end up breaking the DVD’s. I think the boredom and isolation drove my Dad to buy us movies. We didn’t know what else to do with ourselves. I bet I watched those movies over 20 times each. 

“December 1, 2006 Friday 

Today is Mother Jenny’s anniversary. It has been a very stressful day. Father was in Vegas with Uncle Randalll and didn’t get back until late. Mother Jenny has been bawling all day long! I can’t wait until this day is over! 

December 4, 2006 Monday

Today has been a bad day. Mother Jenny is on edge. I am doing laundry and Mother Jenny did a batch and took my wet clothes out of the dryer and put in a pair of underwear! I put my clothes back in and she took them back out I yelled at her, she took the phone and went into the garage and talked to Father, while she was out there I took her underwear out and put my clothes back in. She came out and threw my clothes on the floor and stood by the dryer for 45 minutes, folding her arms with her frown touching the floor and waited until her precious piece of underwear was dry. I am so mad at her! She is such a Bitty!! 


December 5, 2006 Tuesday 

I wonder who I am going to marry. I have really been thinking about it. Will he be tall and handsome? Will he be funny looking? Will he look more like Father or Leon Jessop? Will he like me? Will he already have a wife? Will I be a Barlow? Jessop? Jeffs? Allred? Steed? Stewart? Black? White? Wall? Fisher? Dutson? Harker? Keate? Musser? Lane? Carlise? Knudson? Richtor? Beagley? Pipkin? Hunter? Darger? Its really scary to think about… getting married so fast to someone I don’t even know, having to sleep with them, meet their family and friends. What if they don’t like me? What if they expected their brother, son, friend to marry someone cool, but then he marries me. I am fat and ugly. What will they think!? The thought of it takes my breath away. It is SO scary! I am going to be 15 in a couple days. Mother was married when she was 15 and Uncle Rulon told Father that in Zion the girls will be married when they are 12 & 13. I’ve just been thinking about it. I need to change and do better if I want to marry a good man and have my sister wives love me.

December 6, 2006 Wednesday

Me and Missy are doing an English assignment that is about writing a personal journal, and in it they said I should only write things that I would want my Father, the Prophet and Heavenly Father to read. Well. I definitely wouldn’t want anyone to read you.. But they said that you will be passed on to my great, great grandchildren and they would appreciate it and thank me for taking the time to write this, they said I am writing history and one day you will be cherished and treasured. I don’t know what to think, it sounds fun and strange to think of people, years from now knowing me through you. Maybe it will be my great great granddaughter named Jessica after me loving to read my stories knowing how it was now, it gives me a tingly feeling just thinking about it. I won’t be writing bad thoughts and feelings anymore, cause what if the prophet reads this? Hopefully I will just buckle down and do better so I WON’T have bad feelings! 

December 7, 2006 Thursday 

I am so fat and I am so ugly! I hate myself. I can’t help it. I even have fat on my fingers! I am so gross! I can hardly stand it! I am uncomfortable all the time. The only time I can relax is when I am in the bathroom. I feel so worthless. What should I do? I feel like a complete loser. 

December 9, 2006 Saturday

Tommy is walking! I cant believe how fast he grew up! He is running all over the house now. It seemed like yesterday that he weighed 3 pounds and now he 26lbs and walking. I am so grateful for him! 

December 19, 2006 Tuesday 

Father told me to get ready for a trip, Tillie was coming down and she was taking me somewhere for my birthday. Me and Missy dressed up in our matching dresses and we drove to Vegas. Before we left Father gave me $20 and told me to not spend it unless I absolutely had to so I wasn’t going to use it unless it was for food or fuel. We went into a savers and looked at leggings, we found some that fit me and even though I need leggings, I didn’t buy them. Then we went to a Mall, I haven’t seen a Mall that big!!  It was amazing! Although I have never been so stared at in my whole life! I felt like I was on display, people were literally staring with their mouths hanging open, some even stopped in their tracks and stared until we were out of sight. I felt so uncomfortable. But if I met anyone’s eye, I gave them my biggest smile and they would either smile back or look away.. it helped a little.


16 thoughts on “November 21, 2006”

  1. I just came across your blog yesterday and I’ve been stuck reading it since. Thank you for sharing such a fascinating story! It’s incredibly interesting to get insight into the thoughts and feelings of someone in the FLDS, written while still a member. You should consider gathering your diary entries and publish them in a book!

    I have a question, if you don’t mind. I’ve read some about the FLDS, including descriptions of abuses and other harsh tactics. I understand that with over ten thousand members practices likely vary a lot from one family to another. Abuse exist in every society so of course it exists in the FLDS too. One thing I’ve read about that I’m wondering about, though, is the alleged practice of “water boarding” babies which some have said is a fairly widespread practice in the community. According to former FLDS members this is done to train babies not to cry. They will spank the baby until the baby cries whereby they put the baby under running water face up until he stops crying. At that time the spanking starts over and this is done several times.
    Do you know if this is something that is done by members of the FLDS? If so, is it a widespread practice? Is crying babies seen as a negative among the people to where trying to train them not to cry would be accepted?
    I find this practice to be so barbaric and extreme that I find it hard to believe that it would be something that would be accepted and widespread and, if true, not just something that is done by a particularly sadistic person.
    Since you have personal experience with the FLDS I was hoping that you could provide some insight about this topic, if you don’t mind.

    I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts!

    1. Hey there, I am glad you found my blog and enjoy reading it! I have been looking into getting a book together so that is already in the works. I would love to answer your questions.

      I agree that in a community that has over 10,000 people the families and their customs vary greatly. I went through many different things than other FLDS people did, my family was just a little different. like I said in this post we watched some movies, other families would consider it death to watch a movie. The families that had been around for longer than us, Jessops, Barlows, Jeffs, Johnsons, etc. Were very strict and rather strange.

      I can safely say though, that there was no water-boarding that I am aware of. Babies are the FLDS livelihood, they were cherished. I never heard any teaching from the leaders saying it was okay to abuse children in that manner. Children are taught obedience above all things. The worst that ever happened to me or my siblings was a solid spanking.

      I have never known babies crying to be a thing the FLDS tried to stop. I think the expectations of obedience and compliance are a bit to extreme for children of a younger age but I never saw any brutal punishments going on to any children.

      There are quite a few mentally unstable women and men in the FLDS who were still married and had children. I do not know the exact details of what went on in their homes but I have heard some stories that sound kind of like what you were quoting. I can’t verify anything though.

      Thanks again for reading and feel free to ask if you have any more questions


      1. I really think she made this up. I am not being biased at all but while the FLDS are rather extreme in somethings, I don’t see abuse like that being condoned.

  2. Hi Jessica, I just found your blog about today’s ago and it is so interesting. I have read the whole thing (so far) and can’t wait to read more. Thank you for sharing with us and good luck in allyour writing endeavors!

  3. This is such a fascinating insight. So many similarities and yet differences from my own teenage diaries. Anxiously awaiting the next installment!

  4. Just found your blog yesterday and have read the whole thing 😀 I spent the last years of my teens in a very rigid holiness church so there are lots of similarities that make me smile. I want to know what happened to mean mom jenny?

    1. Thanks Jennifer! I’m glad you enjoy reading 🙂

      Jenny is still in the FLDS with her 6 kids, she is not with my dad anymore, I believe she lives with her parents and has no intention of leaving.

  5. Hi there, still following your posts! I come check every now and again for updated posts… Needless to say you have me hooked 🙂

  6. WOW! Jess! I am doing a paper for school and was looking up stuff about the FLDS and came across your page. I had no idea you had a blog.

  7. Jess!! I love reading this your so brave for putting your journal out there. lol I love it! mine sounds similar to this even with the bitchy other mom.. Keep it up!

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