“November 2, 2006 Thursday
My dear friend. There I went again and neglected you. I am so sorry, I don’t know what has gotten into me. You would think with all the time I have I would write even more! I don’t remember what has happened in the past few weeks but Mother has been acting tired lately and not eating very much. I am going to ask her tonight if she is expecting. Wish me luck!
I asked her and she said yes! She thinks she is 7 weeks along, but she has been having problems so she thinks it might be a blighted ovum which means that there is no baby. But she is not taking any chances so she is going to do complete bed rest until she can get into her Dr. Appointment which might not be for 2 weeks. Me and Missy will have to take over her dinners and have Tommy at night. I am so nervous and excited and I hope things work out!
November 6, 2006 Monday
We started school today, we are just doing it on the kitchen table. Me, Missy, Sharon and Isaac are doing it in the mornings with Mother as the teacher, and David and Merilyn are doing afternoons with Mother Jenny. We start at 8:30, do devotional and priesthood History then English, Math and Spelling. Friday is going to be “girls day” Isaac is going to work with Father and we are going to do family training by Uncle Warren, sewing and cooking. It is going to be SO fun! We are all doing the same math and me and Miss are doing the same English. I am really suppose to be doing 9th grade but Uncle Kevin hasn’t got a high school program yet so I have to wait. I have already done this English packet before but I guess it won’t hurt to do it all over again. All four of us are doing times tables. I am starting clear over in Math, starting with times tables then on up. I am so sick of being dumb. I am going to work hard and learn all I can!”
After Warren closed all the schools and told everyone to home school they released FLDS appropriate school packets by grade for people to print and do at home. It wasn’t a change for my family because we already have been home schooling. Without our Grandma to teach us, school never became a thing for the family. We have the bad habit (genetic) of procrastinating. All of us, Mom and all the kids. We didn’t push ourselves to do school so we didn’t. I read this now and my stomach turns. I have hated math for as long as I can remember and being home schooled It was an option to say no. I have almost no skills in academic mathematics, I have made it work through the years, no one would know I never attended school and it wasn’t until recently that I felt the full sting of what I had been denied. I have been trying to get my GED so I can start school. I have passed in everything except math. I got less than 50% I have tried tutors, online practice sites and books. People don’t know where to start to help me. No program is equipped to handle an adult who missed 12 years of math practice. It is devastating and incredibly time consuming. With working two jobs my progress is slow. I wanted to start school in the Fall but I don’t know if I can get up to speed by then and I have already been working on it for almost 10 months. I wish I could go back to the young me and tell me to use all my extra time for that.
“November 7, 2006 Tuesday
Mother got an appointment with Aunt Martha and I get to go!
Well I went and I’m back. It was fun! Mother went to Aunt Martha (the midwife) and I stayed at Margs house and tended the children. Mother got back at 5pm she does have a baby and she brought an ultrasound picture, my little SISTER (I hope) is awful cute! We stayed at Margs until 6pm then found out that Isaac had taken a bike and rode down to Uncle Sams (what an idiot!) We had to drive around and look for him for 45 minutes. Then we went over and saw Tillie for 30 minutes then we had to go.
November 8, 2006 Wednesday
Me, Mother and Missy went to St. George today for dentist appointments for the little children. I got to go because I am “naughty” to Mother Jenny and that’s why I got to go to town (the crick) I guess that’s an advantage of being bad: you get to go everywhere! (not funny) We had a fun time though!
November 10, 2006 Friday
Me and Missy wrote down a menu for the whole month and we went shopping last night. Mother was really grouchy so we didn’t do the CTMH order so I hope we can do it today! I’m doing my monthly and I feel like crud. I napped from 12-2:30 it felt good. I had a late lunch so I am not hungry. Mother Jenny made homemade chili for dinner, I’m allergic to it and I am glad cause its gross 🙂 I would be working with Tillie today if we still lived at home. I miss her so bad. I miss working there so bad. Oh well. At least I am doing what the prophet wants. I am glad we at least get to visit every once in a while. Me and Mother had a big fight but I don’t want to talk about it.
November 14, 2006 Tuesday
This morning Father called Mother Jenny and took her somewhere. When she got back she was bawling and she just went straight to her room. Mother called Father and asked him what was up. He said that grandpa Arnie (Mother Jenny’s father) had called him and told him that Grandma Sharon had double pneumonia and another sort of infection and that she was on her way to the hospital, he also told him that Heather and Arnie Jr. both left on the weekend so Mother Jenny is really emotional. Their family has lost 9 children. Grandma Sharon: 4 Arnie, Joe, Robert and Heather. Mother Mindy has lost 5: Todd, Brenda, Brandon, Jeremy and Jeana. Their family is so sad. I hope Alicia can stay put!
November 16 2006 Thursday
Mother Jenny is gone, she went to the hospital to stay with Grandma Sharon, she left last night around 6:00 and is not coming back until tonight! It is SO nice. I love it when she is gone! There’s this saying I thought matched “Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” And it is so true! Everyone is so easy and happy when she is not here. I hope I can be a person that causes happiness wherever I go!
Mother is due on June 8, 2007
November 18, 2006 Saturday
I hate Mother Jenny! Hate! Hate! Hate! She is such a Bitty! Why does she have to be SO dumb?!? She has ruined my life! Everything that she does is to offend us. I know I won’t make it to heaven if I have hate for anyone but she is the most unlovable person in the world. How can you love someone whose goal in life is to make you miserable? She makes herself think that she is just totally sweet and righteous. She thinks she is above everyone in this family, even Father! She said that she has “tried” to be my friend but I rejected her. BS!!! All she has shown me is that she hates and despises me and ALL of Mothers children and Mother! She says she has tried. No, she hasn’t tried! She says that she loves us but that we hate her. She is wrong! She does not love us. We all knew it from the beginning! All she shows us is hate and disdain yet she expects ME to love her. Mother told me she has been trying for years to find the good in her and has succeeded in forgiving and forgetting. Mother said that she truly loves Mother Jenny. I know, cause I have seen it, every single day. Mother is so loving and forgiving. She has set a wonderful example for me to follow and I am letting her down because I can’t forgive Mother Jenny. It is so hard. She does such mean things to Mother and Mother just forgets and forgives her. She never tells Father, even if what Mother Jenny did was TOTALLY wrong! It makes me SO mad! She gets away with EVERYTHING. You know. I am on the verge of leaving because of her. Uncle Warren has said that nobody can make you do anything, you can choose if you want to fight, you can choose if you want to have bad feelings, you can choose if you want to leave NO ONE can make you do it, you do it all. But I can’t stand Mother Jenny getting away with treating Mother like that, getting away with everything, getting what she wants, doing what she wants, she is spoiled all because Mother keeps sweet and Mother has to suffer for it. I don’t think I can stand another day with her. She goes around singing a song that has this verse in it over and over and over “When a dear loved one doesn’t pray the heavenly light they drive away and speak unkindly words, untrue” She thinks she is so good. I hate her.”
Every “bad” thing I ever did was in defense of my Mother and my siblings. They were treated unfairly by Mother Jenny every day of our lives. Seeing my Mom go through pain like that was worse than anything I could imagine. I love her fiercely and anyone who tried to hurt her got my wrath. I was conflicted by the religious bullshit in my head and it made me feel so helpless. When I wrote entries like this I was usually shaking from so much anger. I would be exploding in my head but I couldn’t do anything about it. No one understood my anger. My anger meant I had lost the good spirit and I didn’t want to admit it.
“November 19, 2006 Sunday
We had a really bad day yesterday. As you can probably tell. 😦 I have had those words within me for so long and since I can’t tell Father or Mother you had to hear them. And believe me. they could go on for another 10 pages. but I controlled myself. I thought about it and decided that leaving the work is not the best solution. I can’t leave Mother behind. So the only way for me to be happy is to make the choice to be happy and to do what I have to do to keep sweet, forgive and forget like my sweet Mother! I am full of guilt because Satan cannot read my mind but when I write it down he can tell how to tempt me better, but he can also read this, I am going to do better, I am going to follow Mothers example, I am going to keep sweet, I am going to overcome my horrible temper, I am going to make Father my best friend, I am going to learn to love Mother Jenny, I am going to obey every word, I am going to have a good relationship with Heavenly Father, I am going to say my prayers every morning and night, I am going to go to ZION!”