Hi all! I apologize its been so long since a new post. I have been in the middle of a move and juggling 2 jobs and classes. Life has finally slowed down so I am back! Thank you all for reading my story!
“February 17, 2006 Friday
Yesterday I was eating dinner and Sharon’s Priesthood History book was sitting there, so I grabbed it and went to the last page and started writing. I told her what I was doing and then as I got to the bottom of the page I I told her that my hand was tired and I said “I hope you find this when you’re at school because I want you to tell Tillie that I love her (Missy too!) Tell Jared that I miss him ( he is so funny) Tell James that I miss him and Jacob too! I don’t miss you cuz I see you every day! Tell Isaac, Jed, Randall Scott, and Lydia that I am sorry for being so mean last year and that If I was there this year, I would make it all better. Tell Gramma I love her and miss her (I miss school too!) Tell Britty that she is so inspiring, tell Manda that I’m sorry for being so disrespectful and I think she is an awesome example. Tell everyone thanks for putting up with me, and I miss you all!” Love Jessica.”
Well I guess Sharon found it this morning and read it to everyone and when I got home from town, I found sitting on my bed a whole bunch of bookmarks! Everyone at school made me a book mark! I miss them so bad. I thank Heavenly Father for blessing me with such loving Family and Friends!”
All those people I listed in this entry are my cousins. Unlike other FLDS families we had a rather small family circle. My Fathers Dad was from Germany and was converted in the 1940’s. He was the only Rohbock in the FLDS. His sons and daughters are the only ones in the FLDS and a few of them left. He had 2 wives, My Grandma Ethel and Debra. Grandma Ethel is actually my Great Grandmother, she is Grandma Debras Mother. Allow me to delve into that a little deeper:
When my Grandmother Ethel was a young woman she was married to a Man named Jesse, and she had a daughter with him, Debra. Jesse was an abusive man and when Debra was 2 years old Ethel left him. A year later she married my Grandfather, Jack Rohbock. They then converted to the FLDS. My Grandma Debra was raised by Ethel and Jack. When she was 16 she turned herself into the FLDS Prophet to be married. A few weeks later she was told she was to marry none other than her Step-Dad, Jack Rohbock. She did it because she wanted to remain faithful. I was always told she had a really hard time with it. She didn’t have a baby with him until she was around 20 years old. Her first child was my Dad. She had 7 kids total. My Dad was 16 when My Grandpa Jack passed away from a heart attack.
Anyway, the Rohbock family consisted of Debra and Ethels Children. So we had a much smaller family circle than the typical FLDS person who have hundreds of cousins and in their lifetime never know even half. I have had friends who dated someone and later found out they were related. Bleh! Luckily, that would never happen to me 🙂
“February 21, 2006 Wednesday
Me and Missy have to go for a well child check up! Its going to be so embarrassing, we have to go on March 8th! We have to give a urine sample! And whats so embarrassing is that its right around the time that me and Missy have our “monthlies”! How embarrassing! I am going to ask Mother to make them earlier or later.”
I rarely went to the Doctor. Before this I remember going twice. Once for a broken arm and the other to see if I had Strep Throat. I was so horribly shy at this age. Talking to a stranger nearly paralyzed me. The thought of going to the Doctor almost made me piss my pants LOL. The FLDS had 2 Doctors and in the past years it dwindled to 1 Doctor as the other one got kicked out by Warren Jeffs.
“February 22, 2006 Wednesday
Mother told me and Miss that we could go down to Uncle Drews and talk to Lynzee. She gave us 20 Minutes. Well we didnt make it back in time. So when we got back we were in big trouble. Mother told us that we couldn’t go down to friends houses and not to even ask her. Well…. It ended up being a fight and we stood there and yelled at each other and she told me to go away, so I went away and read a full book. We had dinner at 6:30pm it is now 10:57, plus I’ve been doing laundry for about 20 minutes . I am so sick of me and Mother fighting! I need to chill!”
“February 23, 2006 Thursday
Why does me and Mother have to fight? I am so sick of it! Please help me understand. I never see Father,Mother is mad at me, she HATES me! I don’t even see why she wants me here. She hates me! Please help me know what to do. I love my family but no one wants me to stay here, (maybe Missy does) and all I am doing is ruining the younger children. I don’t want to leave, but I am going to have to, Father told me so! I don’t want to! What should I do? Please.. I need someone to talk to.. someone who has been through this. I don’t know what to do.”
I was 14 years old at this time. Man I was so frustrated. All I wanted to do was hangout with my girlfriends and read books. I definitely didn’t want to spend my days taking care of my younger siblings, doing laundry and cooking and cleaning our eternally messy house. I was getting to the point where I was no longer motivated by the promise of an eternal life and being loved by God and the Prophet. I was sick of always working and always cleaning. I was my Moms only helper, her oldest at home and I had an enormous amount of responsibility. I was scared that I even thought about leaving. I was told my whole life that if a thought like that entered my head I had to fall to my knees and pray until it was out of my head, that doubt, even the tiniest amount leads to apostatizing (rejecting the religion/God and living a life of “sin” to later burn in hell for all eternity) It was terrifying. I thought I was the only person evil enough to even think about these kinds of things and I didn’t feel safe enough to talk to anyone about it, and it exploded in my fights with my Mom.
“February 24, 2006 Friday
After writing that entry yesterday I wrote Mother a letter, It wasn’t very nice. I told her that I felt like leaving and that I am sorry that she has to be my Mother. Anyway, when Father got home he wanted to talk to me. He talked to me for about an hour, I was bawling the whole time. (I hate to bawl in front of people!) He gave me a beautiful talk and in the end he was so funny, he said “I love you, and I am here for you to talk to, you can tell me everything except how big your bowel movements are, and female problems. You can tell Mother those things. I don’t know what to do for female problems” It was SO funny! He sure made me feel the opposite, (HAPPY!) I haven’t felt so good in a long time. I can’t explain how I feel… just more… loved? more… secure? I feel like I have someone to turn to, I feel like I actually have a friend, someone who cares who will listen to my confusion and understand my pain. It is such a wonderful feeling! “
Maybe all the fighting was just so I could get attention and love from my Daddy. Lol. Who knows. I know I was up and down like crazy that year. I wasn’t neglected by my Dad, he just had a lot of things to take care of and it was usually my wrong-doings that got addressed. Its how it works when a Man has 20 people to take care of.
–Thanks again for reading! I will be back soon. Please feel free to send questions or comment, I will do my best to answer in a timely manner.
A bunch of my Siblings and cousins camping in 1998