January 12, 2006

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My Parents Wedding Day. My Dad was 21, Mom was 15. They had met once before.  On the left, my dads Moms Ethel and Debra on the right my Moms Mother, Pam. 

“January 12, 2006 Thursday 

I was going to lay down with Candice for nap when Missy came in and said “there is a man at the door and I don’t know who he is!” I got up and went down there and he said “I have been called by Uncle Lyle to come and go through your house, is your Mother here?” I told him both of my parents wont be home until later tonight. He told me he would come back later. Guess who it was?? Lindsey Barlow! (the moving guy!) well we thought we were gonna move so we started cleaning the house we got it all clean. Then sat there and waited anyway, me and Miss were gonna go to bed when Father came in and said those guys are coming right now, go clean up your room. Anyway, they came and went through the house when they were done they said “ok thank you, I will report it to Uncle Lyle” and they left. So it wasn’t very exciting.”

All the Property in Colorado City and Hildale belonged to the church and they could move whoever they wanted to whatever house they wanted. Families that built their homes and lived there for generations were sometimes moved into a smaller and really crappy house. The Church leaders moved people in the middle of the night. Lindsey Barlow was the “moving guy” he was in charge of moving families and finding suitable homes for the family size. There were moving crews that consisted of about 50 people (mostly young adults) that would come in with boxes, semi trailers and packing supplies. They would spread out and pack each room up just writing the name on the box Kitchen, Girls room, Mother Kate, Upstairs bathroom etc. then they created a chain of people sending boxes out to the trailers. People would be completely packed up and out of the house in less than 3 hours then a cleaning crew would come in and within 5 hours you would never have known someone lived there. 

“January 15, 2006 Sunday

Mother and the baby came home today! We don’t even get to hold him but thats good cuz we don’t want him to get sick. I woke up this morning with a cough and a HORRIBLE runny nose so I can’t even see him or Mother. I can’t wait til my sickness passes!”

“January 18, 2006 Wednesday 

I am finally feeling better! I have been really sick for 3 days. Tommy is SO cute! His eyes are always open all the time and he smiles really often. A lot of things have happened this week already: Mother Jenny is working at Craigos, Tillie is quitting the Flower Depot! That is so sad to me Tillie loves the Flower Depot and she is quitting because her Mother needs help. I’m really sad! Craigos is not taking food stamps anymore so no Craigos Pizza for us! Jack was going to leave on Monday but Father asked him to stay and think on his choice. So I am really nervous what this weekend will bring.”

Craigos was the local Pizza shop. They sold pizza uncooked so that people could buy it with the food cards (EBT) I never thought twice about having food stamps, I never knew anything different. I think we got almost $2000 a month for food. It sure saved us. My dad only made $3000 on really good months and with driving to Mesquite every day and taking care of 20 people, things were kind of skimpy. The Flower Depot was another local business ran by our family friends, they did all the flowers for funerals and other needs around the community. My cousin Tillie and I worked there pretty much for free because we loved flowers so much. Tillie was amazing with arranging flowers. It runs in my Family. My Dads Father was a great florist, they told me stories about how is hands were so calloused from thorns that he could run his hands down the stem and remove all the thorns and it didn’t even hurt. I was told that my ancestors were all gardeners to a King. I don’t know how true that is but there is definitely something there. To this day when I pass a flower shop I want to drop all my jobs and work there. Tillie’s love for Flowers was even more than mine and she had to quit on the word of her Father. She was super sad about it but she told me it was a sacrifice she would make to get closer to God. 

“January 20 2006 Friday

Madie is coming down tomorrow! Exciting huh!? Jack told Mother he is leaving! That is so sad! Why is he being so mental? Well, that’s his choice and there is nothing we can do about it. I am going to miss him. He has been really nice to me lately. There goes number 3.”

Jack was 16 when he left. At this point he was gone all the time working on FLDS construction crews. I don’t remember when he stopped going to our homeschool. I am guessing it was around the age of 12. He was always with his friends when he was home out drinking and smoking weed. When he and Dad ran into each other they always got into a big fight. Dad was always so mad at him and we all knew he was going to leave.  We had the cops over a few time. Dad found him coming home drunk and he called the cops on him. I once saw them bodyslam him to the ground and handcuff him and leave him outside on the concrete for hours. He was having a rough time of it. I don’t know what he did for a few years after he left. Unlike my Sisters he dropped off the grid and we knew nothing about his life. He is doing incredibly well now. It has been great to see more of him and get to know him better. 

‘February 5 2006 Sunday

Mother has been acting so weird to me lately. She has just been ignoring me and every time I talk to her she acts annoyed. I surely don’y try to bug her. I try to tell her what I want like play the piano, sew, be smart and many other things but she just looks at me like I am an idiot. (and I am!) Everybody acts as if I am annoying and stupid. I try not to…. I’m trying so hard to make the big people like me, but they don’t! Marg is one I want to like me, Mother Jenny, Alicia, Just everybody! But they don’t! I don’t know what to do, I try not to try to be funny I try not to laugh to loud, I try to be likeable but I CAN’T!! Mother doesn’t even like me! She doesn’t encourage me. Its like I’m just here to be made fun of. I am worth nothing. I try to be like Madie but Mother just ignores me, she gets mad at me for no reason. Like tonight she started yelling at me because I could go to bed and she has to stay up with the baby! I don’t know what to do to make her love to be around me. I just need at least one person to talk to, to listen to me, to understand. But I have no one.”

This is slightly funny now that I know what was going on. I was 14 years old. I thought I was cooler than anything and I wanted to hang out with the adults. My Mom was probably having her prenatal blues and I was super annoying. I know for a fact I wasn’t an angel. I started having attitude and pushing back, I was also the oldest and I had a lot of responsibility I wasn’t living up to. Also, my best friend was Mother Jenny’s sister Alicia who was a year older than me, as soon as she got a little older she stopped hanging out with me and I felt really crappy about it. 

“February 10 2006 Friday

Mother is gone to town with Issac and Sharon. She left at 9am.. Its 4:27pm. I called her at 3:12pm and she said she was checking out at walmart. She got Merilyn, Sam, Brandy and David tended so all I have is Candice, Johnny and Tommy. Its been a really nice day. I have been listening to Mothers book on tape called “back to the bedroom” Mother doesn’t know.. so don’t tell her! 🙂

Its a completely rare thing to ever find sex themed material in the FLDS. I believe that it was non-existent outside of my home. Both of my Parents had a slight rebel side, My Mom a little more than my Dad, she would let me, without him knowing checkout books from the library and I would read them. I loved to read so much! I think about my love for reading kind of like the stories you hear from back in the day when books were rare and treasured, when people saw them for what they are, an opportunity to explore other worlds and other lifetimes. I had such a big imagination and I am so thankful to my Mom for risking herself to get me books. She would never let me read sexy stories like”back to the bedroom” but I did it anyway. I was unstoppable. 

“February 15, 2006 Wednesday

I can’t believe its almost spring, this winter has just seemed to pass by so fast its just a blur. I know that the time is so short. I know I should used the “winter blur” to prepare myself. I know the Lord is displeased with me. I feel so discouraged all the time. The Devil is winning. I need to shape up and have a prayer in my heart, and keep sweet, forgive and forget! I was chosen to come in this time because Heavenly Father knew that I could do it. I miss Uncle Warren and I want to be with him. I know he is coming soon to gather up the children of Zion. Oh, how I want to be among them. How I want to get close to my Father and have him trust me! I want to love every family member, with a perfect priesthood love! I must shape up. I know that saying “I want” won’t do any good. I must be filled with a determination to do right and DO IT!! “The Lord helps those who help themselves” 

Well.. I don’t know where that came from. Something probably scared me and made me realize I was gonna die soon if I didn’t start obeying. All my life I was told by everyone that the Lord saved me to come in this time because he knew that I could do it, that every person here fought the hardest in the great battle in heaven and we were saved to come to this time and fulfill Gods work here on earth. That was a big calling to live up to, and a very smart move on the leaders part, It sounded great to be “chosen” and I know for me, it always made me try harder to be a good girl. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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