October 10, 2005

October 10, 2005 Monday

GUESS WHAT? Aunt Sarah hired me at the Flower Depot! She is paying me $2.50 an hour! it’ll be so nice, that means 15 dollars a day! it’ll be so nice to have money. Of course I’ll pay tithing and stuff but I’ll be able to buy b-day presents for people and outfits for mothers baby! 

The Flower Depot was a local flower/gift/classroom supply store that my Cousin Tillie worked at and let me come help her out. I was there as often as I could be so the owner decided to pay me $2.50 an hour. I was expected to give 10% of any money I made to the priesthood. A good girl would give all her money to her Father but I didn’t want to do that. 

It later turned out that Aunt Sarah decided to pay me in credit so I could use my hours on items within the store. 

In the Crick, we never used the terms Mr. and Mrs. It was always Aunt (First Name) or Uncle (First Name) It was a term of respect toward our Elders. To this day I have a hard time calling Warren Jeffs just Warren or Warren Jeffs. I was made to think it was so disrespectful. 

October 12, 2005 Wednesday

I am such a bad girl, I cant ever do right, I know it for myself, I’m a rotten bratty teenager, I’m a horrible daughter, a bad example, and a disobedient idiot. I cant ever be good I‘m going to hell! I am a horrible bitch. I need to grow up and be the oldest daughter but I’m not , I cause such disruption and contention in the home, I’m good for nothing. I’m fat, ugly, stupid, disobedient, hateful, a big fat blob that reads. I don’t know what to do with my life! I’m SO dumb I’m an idiot I’m an ungrateful pig. Nothing is good in me I’m a liar I’m…..everything BAD! I don’t know whats wrong with me and I need help (self help) 

That was sparked by a fight I had with my Mom. She had gone to town with one of my siblings and left me with the kids, when she got back the house wasn’t clean because I had been reading a book. She got very angry at me and I guess it brought up a lot of frustration I had with myself. I was becoming less and less involved with the family. All I wanted to do was read and hang out in my room. I LOVED to read, it was the best part of my whole life at that point. 

October 15, 2005 Saturday

I walked in on Father having a BATH! I woke up at 7:00 and needed to use the bathroom so, barely awake I walked into Mothers Bathroom and flipped on the lights and shut and locked the door, Then all of a sudden a deep voice said “who is it?”  Right when he said that I saw legs and feet in the tub! I turned around and said “SORRY!” and ran out! How embarrassing!

Seeing a naked man would have shook my whole world lol

Later

Grandma Pam is coming today, I’m excited! 

Later

They’re here! The house is the biggest mess when she got here. SO embarrassing! My hair isn’t even combed! I barely got dressed!

“Grandma Pam” is my Moms Mother. She isn’t a part of the FLDS. When we lived in Salt Lake I saw her every month or so, but after we moved to Colorado City It became once a year. When my Mom was young, around 12 or 13 her Mom and Dad, who were placed together by the FLDS Prophet decided to get a divorce and leave the religion. My Mom did not want to leave as she had a testimony of the FLDS faith so herself and her younger Brother, Ben stayed behind. I was told that my Moms younger siblings (she was the oldest) had a really rough go of it. Her Dad became emotionally unstable (It was Gma Pams idea to break up the marriage) and her youngest sister Rachel was traumatized to the point of not speaking anymore. I’m not sure how long it took for her to get over that but my Mom was pretty heartbroken from it. She resented her Grandma Pam for many years to come for “what she did to her sisters” 

But apparently got over it enough to let her kids see her every now and then! 

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2 thoughts on “October 10, 2005”

    1. My Cousin Tillie Passed away in August. She had medical problems for most of her Teen and Adult life. In 2012 things started changing in the crick. More and more people were getting kicked out and it was starting to include Women. They established a thing called the “UO” (United Order) where only the most righteous could take part. They had special meetings and instructions. Those not accepted into the UO were eventually separated from family members who were included sending children as young as 4 years old to live with Non-member familes. While the Teenage boys (Tillies younger brother who is 14) were sent to fend for themselves in crappy trailer houses. Tillie wasn’t allowed into the UO because she had been to a male Doctor. She was sent to live with her Mom and Grandma who were also non members. Tillies Mom was later accepted into the UO so that left Tillie and her 60+ Grandmother on their own. Her whole life was spent being devoted to the priesthood. All she wanted was to get married and have children and prove the Prophet that she was a true Mother of Zion. Her family and the religion were her life. and in the end they all betrayed her.
      She was getting weaker and having a lot of problems with her health but refused to go to the Dr. because she wanted to get into the UO so badly. One morning her Grandma woke up and Tillie was super sick, couldnt hardly move so she insisted on calling the ambulance, Tillie fought it, didn’t want to go but she called anyway. On the way to St. George she went into cardiac arrest and it took them 7 minutes to get her heart going again. by that time she was brain dead and they put her on life support. They let us know a few days later that they were going to unplug her. we didn’t even know she was in the hospital. Her own father, who was kicked out refused to go say goodbye saying that “he was given his children for a time and they were the Lords now”
      Not one of her Family Members that had left were allowed to her funeral. We were told that only those with true allegiance in Warren Jeffs could go. So her 4 brothers (her pride and joy) my whole family and all her relatives who were out here weren’t even allowed to say goodbye or show our respects.

      I am sorry for the life story. This still stings quite a bit.

      And who are you, might I ask?

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